His Heart, His Hands, His Voice

Sometimes God asks you to do things - things you want to do, things that will stretch you, things that seem  IMPOSSIBLE!

A little over a month ago God stretch our faith and our family into a family of 4. Miss Yezme came to live with us. A sweet little 5 year old she blended into our lives with no problems, she is so well behaved, polite, sleeps good, eats good, loves to do crafts, and loves the movie Frozen!

We knew from the beginning that Y had a baby brother coming in late March/ early April and told our agency over and over we would only take her but not the baby we have a 6 month old - our agency liked this plan because they felt Y needed to be focused on and would thrive in an environment where she would get one-on-one time and attention.

Baby Nikolas arrived into the world on April 1 and our well laden plans were blasted to pieces - Daniel and I really like to have a plan. We were informed that the kids had to be placed together and either we took baby N or Y had to be moved... We both knew deep down there was no way we could move Y she was thriving in our home and had endured so much tauma in the past 6 months but how on earth could we take on a newborn with Taelyn and quite franly we didn't want to. Taelyn had started sleeping through the nights and is such an easy baby we love spending time with her and with Y it was totally manageable. There was nothing about having a newborn, 6 month old and 5 year old that seemed remotely doable but we have a God who makes the impossible, possible. So we agreed to take baby N into our home.

Thankfully we had the weekend to prepare but Monday afternoon we brought our new tiny little bundle home. Things have actually gone smoothly. He is only a week old and I know things can change (I am PRAYING so very very very very hard that they don't) he has been sleeping 3-4 hour stretches, eats good and doesn't make much noise unless he is hungry or getting changed. Y loves her little brother and has been a HUGE help she loves to feed him and hold him which is very nice! Taelyn is pretty oblivious except she really cant figure out what is going on when I am holding a bottle and don't give it to her.

I have been very aware in the past how powerful prayers are and once again I am reminded how blessed beyond measure we are to have a praying family and church family. Daniel and I have wonderful parents and siblings who have always been there to help us and share in the journey. We also have AMAZING church family and friends - they have supported us in so so many ways and we are forever grateful for how they are helping change these kids lives.

When I was walking last weekend stewing about the changes to come I heard this song and it really spoke to my heart and gave me a calm that it may not be easy but God can and He will provide.

He said come,
Anyone who wants must deny himself,
Take up his cross, follow me
No matter the cost
Be my heart, my hands, my voice

How are we living for Christ
How are we living for Christ
Following him we will sacrifice
But are we willing to die

God gives the strength that it takes
And he knows the price that you pay
The life you’ve been called to, will not be in vain
So don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid

When you are shackled in chains
Imprisoned for sharing his name
If you should suffer for righteousness sake
Don’t be afraid don’t be afraid

Whoever wants to save his life will lose it
Whoever wants to save his life will lose it
Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it
Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it

Selah "Be His Heart, His Hands, His Voice"

 little baby legs kicking... so so tiny

 love all his dark hair

 happy happy baby girl...

 easter basket pictures a few days late... toys are still interesting after you have played with them for 3 days

 baking a chocolate cake... she is such a helper!

 both girls love to be outside if the sun ever shines again we will be spending lots of time our there - just need to find a double stroller now!

Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable

I'm runnin' back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that's all I can hold onto
I've got to say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

 

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep askin' why
 

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

No matter what
No matter what

 

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won't even try it

 

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believin'
Whatever I might be feelin', that You are my hope
And You'll be my strength

Read more: Kerrie Roberts - No Matter What Lyrics | MetroLyrics

It seems that when I am struggling the words to songs always are God's way of getting my attention and giving me courage and strength. This past Saturday we spent the afternoon with "lil" Z. Oh how I have missed him he transitioned to his grandparents in June and we spent the day with him in late July but hadn't seen him since. We had a busy fall so it was ok but it seemed like once Taelyn was born I missed him more than ever - maybe it was just the reminder of what it was like to be a mom and he is the lil guy that first made me a mom.

Back in December we were supposed to spend the afternoon with him but the day before our visit his grandma text me and said that he was sick and wouldn't be able to come and I was heartbroken - I missed him soo much and I wanted him to meet Taelyn so badly. In early January I checked in with his grandma and asked her if we would be able to have him visit in late January and she said that we would have to see - they had a court date coming up and she wasn't sure it would work because it looked like he may be transitioning home to his mom and dad.

To be very honest this filled be with a lot of fear but over the next few days God challenged me to examine my heart and sadly I admit that compassion for Zanders birth parents was missing and I had very selfish thoughts. God reminded me that Zanders mom worked really hard to be able to get him back and that I instead of letting my fears rule my heart I needed to let compassion rule my heart. 

Saturday was a wonderful day... Z was bouncing in his grandmas car when we pulled into the parking lot, he came running to give us hugs and show us his 'paper bite" on his finger... we introduced him and his grandma to Taelyn and they both got some smiles. As we were driving home Daniel and I could hardly believe how far he had come in a few short months - his vocabulary has grown tremendously and he has gotten so tall. He kept showing Taelyn his "paper bite" and when she fussed he would shush her and it was so so precious. It worked out for all our family to come and visit him and we had some very special times and had quite a few laughs.

As the afternoon wore on he became a lil more attached to us again and kept hanging on my legs and giving me hugs - I wanted to just sit in a corner and weep and run away with him because I knew that this was probably the last time I would see my Zander and I couldn't stand the thought of it. I knew I had to be strong because he would see my tears and ask me what was wrong.

A little after 5 we met with Nana and Papa and gave him our final hugs. As we drove away I saw him throwing a fit in the back seat of the car and I really wanted to throw one myself and tell God that it wasn't fair - why did He ask me to love this little boy and then give him back, how did He expect me to go through this process again and again, did He really think my heart could handle the pain?

I am so thankful God knows my heart and knows how to heal the pain that it feels. I know that He will comfort me and carry me when the days feel pretty bleak. I know that He will give me strength to open my home and heart to more children and he will give me the courage to face more "goodbye's" not knowing what tomorrow holds but knowing that God holds all our tomorrows.