Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable

I'm runnin' back to Your promises one more time
Lord, that's all I can hold onto
I've got to say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

 

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep askin' why
 

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not, I'll trust You

No matter what
No matter what

 

When I'm stuck in this nothingness by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won't even try it

 

I know You have Your reasons for everything
So I will keep believin'
Whatever I might be feelin', that You are my hope
And You'll be my strength

Read more: Kerrie Roberts - No Matter What Lyrics | MetroLyrics

It seems that when I am struggling the words to songs always are God's way of getting my attention and giving me courage and strength. This past Saturday we spent the afternoon with "lil" Z. Oh how I have missed him he transitioned to his grandparents in June and we spent the day with him in late July but hadn't seen him since. We had a busy fall so it was ok but it seemed like once Taelyn was born I missed him more than ever - maybe it was just the reminder of what it was like to be a mom and he is the lil guy that first made me a mom.

Back in December we were supposed to spend the afternoon with him but the day before our visit his grandma text me and said that he was sick and wouldn't be able to come and I was heartbroken - I missed him soo much and I wanted him to meet Taelyn so badly. In early January I checked in with his grandma and asked her if we would be able to have him visit in late January and she said that we would have to see - they had a court date coming up and she wasn't sure it would work because it looked like he may be transitioning home to his mom and dad.

To be very honest this filled be with a lot of fear but over the next few days God challenged me to examine my heart and sadly I admit that compassion for Zanders birth parents was missing and I had very selfish thoughts. God reminded me that Zanders mom worked really hard to be able to get him back and that I instead of letting my fears rule my heart I needed to let compassion rule my heart. 

Saturday was a wonderful day... Z was bouncing in his grandmas car when we pulled into the parking lot, he came running to give us hugs and show us his 'paper bite" on his finger... we introduced him and his grandma to Taelyn and they both got some smiles. As we were driving home Daniel and I could hardly believe how far he had come in a few short months - his vocabulary has grown tremendously and he has gotten so tall. He kept showing Taelyn his "paper bite" and when she fussed he would shush her and it was so so precious. It worked out for all our family to come and visit him and we had some very special times and had quite a few laughs.

As the afternoon wore on he became a lil more attached to us again and kept hanging on my legs and giving me hugs - I wanted to just sit in a corner and weep and run away with him because I knew that this was probably the last time I would see my Zander and I couldn't stand the thought of it. I knew I had to be strong because he would see my tears and ask me what was wrong.

A little after 5 we met with Nana and Papa and gave him our final hugs. As we drove away I saw him throwing a fit in the back seat of the car and I really wanted to throw one myself and tell God that it wasn't fair - why did He ask me to love this little boy and then give him back, how did He expect me to go through this process again and again, did He really think my heart could handle the pain?

I am so thankful God knows my heart and knows how to heal the pain that it feels. I know that He will comfort me and carry me when the days feel pretty bleak. I know that He will give me strength to open my home and heart to more children and he will give me the courage to face more "goodbye's" not knowing what tomorrow holds but knowing that God holds all our tomorrows.